Released

Last week at mutual, Brother Darrow (counsellor in the Bishopric) asks if he can talk to me.  Oh no.  Can't I just say no?  If he doesn't talk to me, then he can't change anything.  If only.

I sit down and he lets me know that the Young Women's president is being released, and therefore all callings in Young Women's are being released.  What?  I haven't even been doing this for a year!  He tells me that the girls really liked me, and that they've enjoyed having me as an advisor.  (His daughter is one of my Beehives).  He says, the release probably won't happen this coming Sunday, but the one after that. 

After he said that, I started figuring things in my head.  So.  Maybe this coming Sunday they'll come and get me and tell me they're putting me BACK into young women's....maybe in the presidency or something this time, and then the following Sunday they'll release me and sustain me at the same time.  I didn't fret anymore.  I was getting released, but it couldn't possibly be permanent.  I had so many plans.  I'd just scheduled a week off work so I could go to camp this summer. 

Then Sunday came.  We were late to church.  I won't begin to go into the grimey details about how frustrating Sunday mornings are and how no matter how hard I try or how much help I ask for from kids and spouce, we can't seem to make it to church when we should.  We've mastered the art of arriving JUST as the meeting starts.  Last Sunday though, was not the case.  We were LATE.  We walked in after a baby blessing.  We'd missed ward business.There were rumors flying around that we're getting a new bishop.  The entire stake presidency was attending our sacrament meeting, and also an area Seventy.  Eeek. 

When sacrament got over, I went to another member of our Young Women's presidency and asked who was called as the new relief society presidency.  THEN I find out that I HAD been released.  AND they called an entire NEW young women's presidency.  All positions filled today.  And I was not in any of them.  What?!  I was flooded with emotions of frustration.  Why couldn't have we been on time today so that I didn't have to find out this way?  Why didn't they put me back in young women's?  Then sadness.  Not just a little sad.  Pure, terrible, depressing sorrow. Suddenly the relief society president comes up to me and says, "Are you going to be in Relief Society today?"
Still digesting the news, I say, "Apparently I am."
She then asks if I can play the piano for opening exercises.  I've never disliked the fact that I play the piano.  But at that moment, I was NOT happy to get to sit on that bench.  I shouldn't be here.  I should be in the OTHER room with the girls.

I sat through Sunday School and hardly paid attention to the lesson being given.  Tears rolled down my cheeks through the entire meeting. But it wasn't because it was a good lesson (which it was) or because my heart was being touched by the spirit.  I was feeling sorry for myself.  I haven't felt so down in a long time.  I was on the verge of tears for the entire day.  The girls came up to me after church and hugged me.  "I missed you today."  they said to me. 

As the days go by, I'm slowly adjusting to it.  But I am still losing sleep over it.  Isn't that so dumb?  It's a CALLING!  You serve where the Lord asks you to, not where you WANT to.  But I've never had a release rock my world as bad as that one did.  I lie awake at night thinking about those girls.  About the plans for New Beginnings, Camp, and personal progress that I'll never get to do.  About how they just changed the curriculum for teaching the youth, and I was all prepared and trained on HOW to do it.  And we were supposed to start in January, and now I'm not going to get to. 

They're calling the new relief society presidency next week.  But nobody's said anything to me, which means I'm probably not gonna be a part of that either.  Which means they'll probably make me play the piano for some organization.  Primary or relief society....or worse.  Sacrament meeting.  Our ward needs piano players so bad. There's only 3 or 4 of us who can.  But I'm dreading it.  It's not what I want.  10 years of piano lessons, and here I am for the first time hating it. 

I think more than anything the suspense is killing me.  They may not call me to play the piano either.  I don't know WHAT they're gonna do with me.  Do I sound so self-absorbed or what?.  I suppose I should take a lesson in humility.  And say a few prayers.  I find myself hoping beyond hope that they'll make me camp director.  That's at least SOMETHING to do with Young Women.  But good grief.  You'd think I could take a little taste of humble pie, and say something like, "I'll serve where the Lord wants me to."  I'm slowly getting there.  I know the women that are NOW serving in Young women's are amazing people.  And the girls are gonna love them too. It's just funny that something as silly as a release has caused me to go through some pathetic trial of faith?  Not that I've lost my faith....but apparently I need more. 

I AM ready to do whatever the Lord calls me to do.  Whether it's in young women's or not.  If I say it enough, eventually I'll believe it right?